kirabug’s idea files

It’s the fragments that are getting to me; the pieces that show all we’ve gone through over the past few weeks and months that make everything so hard. It’s opening the notepad on my phone to find it’s still on the directions to the emergency vet. It’s the beds and blankets she had scattered all over the house, many of which were so thoroughly destroyed by the peeing and other side effects that even if I wanted to keep them I couldn’t because there’s no way to ever get them really clean.

It’s looking for her after a shower, when we go into the kitchen, when the wind rattles the screen door. It’s the realization that when I spill popcorn on the floor I have to pick it up. It’s getting cold and not having her there to grab and snuggle with until I’m warm or she’s thoroughly annoyed.

It’s not having to watch where I walk all the time because I’m not going to find a spot where she peed while I was at work. It’s not getting kicked while I knit or whined at while I’m on the computer paying bills. It’s not knowing the weather because I haven’t been outside every two hours. It’s not getting kicked when I try to nap on the sofa.

And it’s physical, too. I had no idea how much of it was physical. It’s not quite heartburn but it’s not nausea. It’s that washed out feeling three seconds after throwing up, with a mouthful of saliva and a burning shaky feeling all over…

It’s finding a way to stay occupied for an hour or two and then suddenly whatever you were doing is done and everything comes back. It’s worrying that I’m talking about her too much and that I’m making it harder for everyone else to mourn. It’s worrying that I’m not talking about her enough and that I’m going to internalize it all and shut down emotionally again.

It’s a headache the size of Kentucky and wondering whether the headache blocks the sleep or the lack of sleep causes the headache. It’s wondering how badly I’ve destroyed my sleeping and eating patterns and how I’ll get through work on Monday if I don’t sleep tonight. It’s being amazed at how well we’re both handling it and wondering how well we’re both handling it.

It’s worrying about whether she’s being a good dog wherever she’s gone to (yes thank you I’ve read rainbow bridge) because I don’t stop by God’s house very often but that doesn’t mean I want Jess to pee on His carpets, terrorize His parakeets, and chase His other dogs. My mutt has a reputation.

It’s wanting her in my lap for just five more minutes and knowing that after that I’d ask for just five more minutes again until time itself stopped. It’s remembering what she felt like in my lap and knowing that no matter how hard I try I’m going to eventually forget what she felt like and what she sounded like and all I’ll have are memories of how much I love her and how much she loves me.

It’s two thirty in the mourning and I can’t sleep.

Work was, well, long. Very very long. But I managed to get a few last-minute items handled before coming home.

I came home to a sick husband, who’s caught some kind of cold/respiratory thing. Exhausted and achy myself I’m not sure I really did a very good job of taking care of him today. For that matter, I didn’t do much for myself, either.

The forum upgrade’s required a few small tweaks, plus Wordpress came out with a security update that I needed to install, but everything’s been successful so far. A few quick notes I forgot to mention before:

• When you register and post a comment, it sits in the moderation queue until I approve it. After that, so long as you don’t do anything to piss off the spam filter, your comments display immediately.
• I’ll probably eventually (maybe even shortly) start putting a “babble” thread up every day or two so folks can babble to each other even if I’m not actively posting.
• See the RSS and Comments RSS links in the left nav bar? If you want to keep up with the comments, those will give you overall views of what’s going on here, and each thread has its own specific comments RSS feed as well that you can check.

Anyway, I’m off until Tuesday so I’m hoping to relax, draw some comics, and gut a closet. And yell at the snow. And the Phillies. And maybe sleep now. Goodnight!

Doctor’s appointment A was supposed to start at 10:30, but started at 11:45. We drank bottles of Arizona and Sobe tea and played video games.

Appointment B was supposed to be at 1:30, but so was appointment C. We showed up for B at 12:45 and waited for the doctor to get back from lunch. Half the Tastycakes were eaten while we waited. This one was quick and uneventful; we were out by 1:20.

Appointment C was supposed to be at 1:30 but probably didn’t really start until an hour later. Armed with sodas, we waited that one out with more video games, met various new supporting staff members, completed half a dozen tasks and left there at around 3:55.

Appointment D was blood draws and there was no wait, but thanks to some confusion about a requested test we left there at 4:30.

We finally ate our first fully functional meal of the day at the hospital cafeteria at 4:45 or so, sat in horrific traffic from the city to King of Prussia mall, picked up our Final Fantasy III preorder and dragged our sorry tails in the door around 7pm.

It’s now almost 11:30 and I’ve accomplished almost nothing, except walking JessieDog and taking a brand new holy-hell-this-tastes-like-shit sinus medication. Soon I will sleep, then the work week starts back up tomorrow.

Ack. So tired.

Friday night:

I don’t remember Friday night except to remember that it involved pizza. I think I spent most of it working on Saturday’s comic.

Saturday:

Got up, got some stuff done on the computer to check my web stats and such (we’re currently at an all-time readership high, btw. We’re getting close to 4000 unique sites per month. Hi!) and messed with some email, etc.

Did all that shower/eat morning stuff, then went on a walk with Nighthawk. Came back and tore all the dead flowers out of the garden, cleaned up the porch for winter and stuff like that. Took a shower to get all the muck off, ate some leftover pizza for dinner, then went food shopping.

After food shopping, and putting it all away, settled in to about a half hour of Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, then off to bed.

Sunday: Slept until 11:00. Got up, did all that shower/eat morning stuff, then started the pumpkin pie baking process. I think the pumpkin I bought this year was too big. I got fifteen cups of pumpkin out of the cheese pumpkin I bought a few weeks ago. That’s just over seven pies worth of pumpkin.

Made up the mix for six of the seven pies (froze the extra pumpkin for next week), and baked four of the pies. Took a dinner break over at Texas Roadhouse, came back, took two of the pies to neighbors’ houses. (Patty traded me candy for pie!!) Baked the last two pies.

Baked the pumpkin pie seeds, cleaned up the kitchen, helped Nighthawk with the laundry, and sat down to write this.

I took pictures of the entire pie process today, including the seeds, and I’m seriously considering turning them into my own cookbook. I’m weird that way.

Now, sleep.

I’d forgotten that I was off until around Tuesday I think, so this is almost like a bonus vacation day. But considering I worked late the back half of the week anyway, I think it’s good I’m off because I feel like crap from being so exhausted.

Anyway, JessieDog and I are sofa-surfin’. It’s cold and grey out (very September) and I’ve got lots of chore-like things I should get done before Nighthawk gets out of work in a few hours. I’m also thinking of working on the comic and/or the website (actually the site’s got more of my attention because I have comics for tomorrow and and Tuesday in the queue already — leftovers from vacation) and I haven’t played Final Fantasy Tactics Advance in like a week and I want to get back to it.

So I’ve got a 4 day vacation going with the first one all to myself and it’s pretty cool. I’ll be checking the forum most of the weekend if you feel like stopping by.

Yesterday, I was fine. We went to Penn Raceway with my folks and my brother and played the horse rases. It was awesome, and definitely something I’d be willing to do again. Somehow there’s something just much more interesting about it than playing the slots down in Atlantic City.

After that, we went back to my parents’ house and ate sandwiches and pizza and the like, hung out for a little while and came home. No problems there.

Went to bed at a decent hour (well, relatively decent) but I couldn’t sleep - I’d sleep for 15 or 20 minutes then wake up. And I was hot and I was cold and I was hot again and I was pretty nauseous and it was a pain in the tail because I was supposed to go in early this morning because we’re so far behind in our work.

And when I woke up this morning I discovered that overnight my body had converted to a snot factory. I’m stuffed up and my head is just throbbing and my eyes are watering and my throat’s sore. I’m betting it’s a summer cold (since I haven’t had mine this year). I just wish I’d've seen it coming. I’d've done something about it yesterday.

So it’s almost 10:30 and I got some more spotty sleep between 7 and now and I’m drinking water and probably going back to sleep.

So it’s Friday, and I’m off until Tuesday thanks to the holiday weekend and a skillfully-placed vacation day. I was supposed to spackle the holes in the bedroom walls last night but passed on that opportunity so that I could instead put another comic in the queue (and capture a great IOI screenshot), and also put my car in the shop.

I got up at 9, which tells me I’m getting a good amount of sleep during the week because it’s only about an hour later than I get up normally, and the JessieDog was up by 9:30. It’s about time to eat breakfast. Then I get to spackle holes, clean walls, and work on priming (primeing?) the walls and ceiling. Then the paint. whee!

Probably not all today, if it isn’t obvious.

I’m doing this one solo, which is a bit odd, because usually I drag my sister into all my rennovating adventures, but she’s got school and she’s in the pit orchestra for a musical and, well, kid’s got a life. So we’ll see how far I really get when self-motivating.

I foresee lots of caffeine in my immediate future.

Anyway, I’ll be away from the internet most of the day, much like yesterday, but unlike yesterday it’ll be because I don’t want to paint the keyboard. Feel free to visit the forum, or if you’re really bored go through the archives and let me know which links are broken. (Like I said, really bored.)

I’ll be back later, when I’ve reached a point where things will have to dry.